I think I died a long time ago.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
