3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm so fucking centered right now
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
