dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
