She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
