yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
