Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
