I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
