no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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