Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you would pick up someone in the library
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
