i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
