she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
