my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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