I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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