note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
