I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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