meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
