I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
