i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
ttyl tear gas
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
