I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
