i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
