Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
