i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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