i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
