How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
