In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
