Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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