You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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