It's like God shit irony all over that family
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
