i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
