non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
