Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
