Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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