i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
