Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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