dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
