Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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