She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
