I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
