the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
