She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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