This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
