MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
