im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
