apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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