so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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