I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
