I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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