I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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