Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
