You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
