You just made me feel so damn special
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
